Someone came by my house today that was very rude... very angry. That, of course, ruined my day.
I'm sort of a sponge. I love to talk to people that are happy. It cheers me up. A similar thing happens when I'm around people that are angry. I can't shut anger out. It either has to be resolved right then and there... or I get angry too.
Its a disease.
The guy that came by my house believed that his anger was justified. In truth, I knew he felt this way. He had revealed this anger to me time after time. So why was today different?
We are leaving. My wife and I are heading back to the United States. This man will be left to deal with his anger. I would like to think that I could play a role in resolving his anger. I haven't succeeded yet. It usually sounds more like an argument than a therapy session.
I can pray. Even though I know the power of prayer, it still seems like a cop out.
I have a personal relationship with this guy. Can I just walk away? Maybe I have to... I know that God is at work. I have to trust that.
If you think this problem is going to resolve itself by the end of this post, you are wrong. God will have to show me what to do in this specific instance.
But that isn't the point. This post isn't about a specific instance.
Anger ruins everything. Righteous anger is great! Don't mishear me. It is used to expose problems and create an opportunity for healing. You have to realize that only God knows if your anger is truly justified. We can play the justification game all day long. In the end... Only God knows.
Will your anger expose problems and bring healing? Will your anger just ruin someone's day and ultimately lead to nothing?
The guy that vented had no intention of finding healing. His complaints weren't aimed at me. They were aimed at someone else. I still had to stand there and listen. I either had to agree and feed the problem or disagree and create an arguement.
We argued.
We didn't get anywhere. We were both angry when he left.
Double the anger.
Have you ever been loved for no apparent reason? Let me be specific:
Have you ever been standing in line at the grocery store and had the person in front of you insist that you go first?
Have you ever been to lunch with a friend and had them pick up the check?
Have you ever had someone hold the door for you? You know the scenario... you are so thankful that you run your final steps to get inside so you can show your appreciation.
Love is infectious. So is anger.
How do you want to impact this world? You will leave a mark whether you intend to or not.
Consider the other guy when you are angry. Consider the strangers. Consider your family.
When I'm angry, I don't allow people to go ahead of me in the check out line.
When I'm angry, I don't pick up the check for my friends lunch.
When I'm angry, I don't hold the door for anyone.
Anger steals joy. It steals the desire to spread joy. It steals the happiness of those that would have otherwise been blessed.
I'm less angry now. Writing is therapeutic.
I'm going to look for an opportunity to bless someone else. I'm going to try harder than usual. I'm going to see to it that someone smiles because of me.
Ultimately, this person will smile because someone else was angry.
Won't that be a fun way to break the cycle?
"Love wins." - Rob Bell
5 comments:
I am reading a book, okay, I read a few pages from this book and it is currently collecting dust on my bedside table, called the The Bond That Free Us. From what I was told when the book was recommended to me and what I have read so far, our ability to have lasting, healthy, happy relationships are contingent on our willingness (note: not ability) to (1) obey the initial moral impulse we all have (let the person go in front of in if he/she only have 1 item and you have a cart load) and (2) see others as subjects with their own wants, desires, and needs and not objects to for fulfilling our wants, desires, and needs.
Even though I've only read part of this book, I can definitely see it works. For example, Jack does not throw temper tantrums to make me pay, he throws temper tantrums because he is having difficulty getting his needs/wants met. When I focus on how difficult he is making life for me (it always seems to be when we are late for something), I get frustrated and he gets in trouble. When I focus on how frustrated he is, I am much more able to redirect him and/or figure out what the actual problem is.
To that end, there is a third way. Difficult to master, but I've been told it can be done. The "I understand you're upset... That must be difficult, maybe we can find a solution..." way. Validate the feeling without necessarily agreeing. Back to Jack, focusing on his frustration does not mean I give in but that my response is "I understand you want craisins, but we will both regret that later. You can eat the rest of your breakfast if you are hungry..." instead of "That is enough screaming!!!"
The people who are good at it are like people who are really good at the defensive martial arts... they take all this negative energy/ motion directed at them and deflect and dissipate without getting hurt or even hurting their attacker. Acknowledge not absorb.
Okay, so if this is a discussion about God in our lives, where is the "God" part? Well, we are called to be other centered ("others" are subjects not objects). Also, we have the tool, that initial moral impulse (the Spirit?), at least supposedly. I don't know, I question whether the moral impulse is first or the defensive one is. Maybe the defensive (not the protecting one's safety but one's ego) one crowds out the moral one the more we give into it, so right now, I have to really cultivate the moral and beat back the defensive...
That brings an extra dimension to parenting, always there but more explicit, the idea of nurturing the moral impulse... and not encouraging the defensive.
Sorry for the super-long comment!
You know, I never really thought about the fact that you either "...agree and feed the problem or disagree and create an arguement..." oh but how true it is! I have often wondered what kind of friend I have been when I have done one or the other. Is there a middle ground? Like maybe, not be there? Or tell them my mom is calling me?
I have always liked being there for people but at the same time I don't like being around them. Because of situations like these come up and I feel forced to get involved when I already know there's no win to it. I try to "..validate the feeling without necessarily agreeing..." but then I feel like I'm being disingenuous. After all, even the Lord said take a side and don't be lukewarm! So how do you deal with it and keep the peace? I know that I do the exact same thing! If you argue with me I think that you are siding with my adversary (imagined or true) and if you agree with me, I'm waiting for you to grab your pitchfork and torch and help me with the lynching!!!!
At the end of the day, after confronting such difficult issues, seemingly impossible problems with no kind of reasonably human solution in sight, I look to the Word. The Word in me, The Word in front of me, The Word around me. He doesn't make my situation go away, He doesn't give me a 'happy place' nor does he give me the answer. He just shows me what a soup-sandwitch I am, and what a Perfect Son He is! Boy am I glad that no matter what happens with me or the rest of this temporary world, there's an eternal God whom all things are about and whom all Glory will go to!
Ahhh... but this brings the question back to John's original post about righteous anger vs. just plain old regular anger.
Of course if it is matter of justice, the maltreatment of human beings, etc., there is call for standing up for what you believe in - not be lukewarm warm.
But how much of our anger does that represent? Doesn't most of come out of rather petty things like getting cut off in traffic, having someone not do something they said they would or you thought they should, or taking offense to some rather meaningless comment? Or even real, substantive disagreements where there no "right" and no "wrong" just different expectations? Or when there is a "right" and a "wrong" but when a *passionate* response were inhibit forgiveness and healing rather than promote it (i.e., a disagreement between brothers where one can choose to respond out of anger or to step back and say "I understand that you are really hurt.")? In other words, are we also called to be peacemakers?
hi guys, I really enjoy your intense, real yet candid entries about your life and God. The entries speak deeply into my heart. I hope you guys can carry on writing and speak God's truth in the life of people who are struggling to keep His way in this fallen world. You never know, some day, some where, some one might just 'stumble' across this blog and know that their struggles are real and that they are not the only one going through that. And that helps to 'make the world a better place'.
Just like anger and love, faith is also contagious.
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